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Can You Pass The Cheap Beer Sommelier Certification Test?

By: Grant Marek

The next time someone tells you "it doesn't matter what cheap beer you get 'cause they all taste the same," you should 1) dead leg them with a sock full of quarters, and 2) tell them they DON'T actually all taste the same, and then show them your framed Cheap Beer Sommelier Certification Certificate, which you're about to earn RIGHT NOW.

"Whoa whoa whoa, what's a beer sommelier?"

You know the Oracle in the Matrix? A beer sommelier is like that, except instead of knowing about rando Keanu Reeves stuff, they know literally everything there is to know about beer.

"Ohhhhhhh. OK, so what's a Cheap Beer Sommelier Certification Test?"

Right, so to become a beer sommelier you have to pass a beer SAT (beer SAT > SAT) that includes a tasting where you have to identify important beer stuff. Normally cheap beers aren't included in this. Instead, those are saved for the Cheap Beer Sommelier Certification Test, which we invented 5 minutes ago with help from Mike Morbitzer, who's both a Certified Cicerone® (that's a fancy word for beer sommelier) AND an official Chubbies man model.


Hi Mike.

Oh, and hi Mike's Cheap Beer Sommelier Certification Test, which features sensory evaluations for nine college standbys:


So here's how this works -- you get bottles, cans, growlers, whatever of each of the nine cheap beers in the test. Get a buddy to pour the brewskis into nine cups and secretly write down somewhere which beer is where. Print out Mike's test, try all nine, and then attempt to match what you taste to the sensory evaluations/your steel trap memory from freshman year.

Like Jon-Mark:


Or Joel:


Or Christine:


Or Dave the Accountant:


Get 7 of the 9 right, and you've earned yourself the official Cheap Beer Sommelier Certification Certificate:


Get 6 or less and you haven't earned it (but you can still totally print it out... if you're A LIAR). Note: if you were wondering why the certificate looks so God damn professional (you totally were), Andy the Designer was busy putting flying tacos on a shorts photo, so Kit made the certificate. In Powerpoint.

Oh, and the Chubbies high score to beat on this is 4, courtesy of our fearless co-founder-leader Preston.

Make us proud.