New Popular MYSTERY
Illustration by Andy Anderson; Photos courtesy of Wilder Shaw - Chubbies Friday At Five Illustration by Andy Anderson; Photos courtesy of Wilder Shaw

Happy President's Day. Here's How To Make a Bacon Mount Rushmore.

By: Wilder Shaw

It's President's Day, and you're all like "I wish I could find a way to express my love of bacon as well as my love for great U.S. presidents!" Classic you.

Luckily we've come up with a way for you to do just that. It's what our forefathers would have wanted.

Step 1: Buy a Cartoonish Quantity of Bacon

9-10 pounds should do quite nicely.

CartoonishBacon.jpg

Step 2: Buy Other Things

Unless you're a master of bacon fat manipulation, you'll need some other stuff to help create the specific shapes of our main men Georgie, Tommy, Ted-ster, and Abe-bro-ham. Wooden skewers are sharp and thick enough to help you hold specific shapes and won't burst into flames when you put them in the oven. You can also totally snap them in half to help create the loops in POTUS Numero Uno's ridiculous blonde curly wig.

Another thing you'll want to grab -- and it's kiiiiiiiiiiinda labor intensive -- is staples, pulled apart and straightened out. These are great for sticking pieces of bacon together, and they're much less obvious than big wooden skewers.

Just think of how proud you'll be when you look at your masterpiece knowing you pulled staples apart with your big strong hands!

You'll also need some tin foil -- or as we like to call it, "nature's weird silver stuff." This will be the easy-to-mold base you're creating for your sculpture. And, finally, a pic of the far-less-bacon-y actual Mount Rushmore for reference.

(Optional [but not really]: Channel your inner Ulysses Simpson Grant and get some beer & whiskey because it's fun to drink while you sculpt bacon.)

Supplies.jpg

Step 3: Get Un-Grossed Out by Raw Bacon and Start Wrapping

Find some oven-safe glasses and mugs that generally resemble the shape of our dudes. Pro tip: get coffee mugs going for Washington & Jefferson, a mason jar for Roosevelt, and a tall beer glass for Lincoln. Then, wrap those bad boys in tin foil.

Once you're all tin foiled up, it's bacon time. Start by wrapping the glasses with full strips of bacon -- if you're having trouble making the ends connect, use staples or the sharp ends of the wooden skewers. Cover up all the tin foil you can, because if you don't, your sculpture will look like ours and have weird cyborg metal teeth (you can use scissors to cut strips of bacon into the sizes you need).

WrappingLincoln.jpg

Step 4: Add Some Distinguishing Features

Pop some noses, brows, and hair on those guys (staples will be the easiest thing to fasten these to the other bacon strips). For a nose, you can take a long piece and droop it down across the front - then push the point of a wooden skewer through it so it creates a nose shape. Keep in mind Lincoln's shnoz is twenty times as big as Roosevelt's, and etc.

triptyche.jpg

Hair Tips!

Perhaps you've noticed that hair is not flat, unlike skin. (Perhaps.) For the silly hair that these guys had, you can layer some bacon back and forth on top of each other so it becomes fluffy and roundish. And feel free to stuff things in the middle of the loops of hair to create that curly wig effect. Yay America!

Step 5: Pop Those Bad Boys in the Oven

Once you've put on your distinguishing features, stick 'em in the oven for a little while.

Also...

And this.

Is.

Important.

MAKE SURE WHATEVER YOU'RE PUTTING THE SCULPTURE ON IS A PAN THAT WILL HOLD ONTO ALL OF THE GREASE BECAUSE IF ANY OF IT DRIPS DOWN INTO THE FLAMES OF YOUR OVEN, YOU WILL START A GREASE FIRE IN YOUR HOUSE AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

Once you've SAFELY put your guys in the oven, you have about 12-15 minutes to drink a couple more bottles of whiskey. Just make sure the bacon isn't fully cooked, so you can still mold and bend it when it comes out.

BaconInOvenSlower.gif

Step 6: Call in Reinforcements

Take a good, long look at your sculpture -- and if you're really doing this, take a good, long look at your life as well -- and check out which parts don't look as strong. Now's the time to reinforce them and fix 'em up. If stuff fell apart in the oven, pop more staples in. No need to take out whatever skewers you used, however -- you can do that at the end.

Everything looking how you want it? Did you make a little mustache for Teddy? Did you give Abe some chops and a big ole' beard? Well, do those things!

OvenGeorge.jpg

Step 7: Pop Those Bad Boys in the Oven Part 2, Electric Boogaloo

Once you're fully satisfied with your sculptures, bake them until the bacon is nice and crispy. It will be hard to stop the tin foil from showing, but do your best. You can bake them individually or together. Either way. We're not the boss of you.

BaconinOvenSepia.gif

Step 8: Make a Dope Backdrop

We cross hatched a big slab of bacon for a backdrop. It brought everything together quite nicely. You can put it over some foil, and then, once it's baked, stand it up using all the wooden skewers. This step is honestly kinda optional, your Bacon Mt. Rushmore is gonna look dope without it, too, but if you wanna go Full-Bacon-Mountain, this is how you do it.

BaconWeave.jpg

Step 9: Arrange Your Bacon Presidents in the Shape of Mt. Rushmore. Duh.

Though most people can recall the exact positioning of the Mt. Rushmore presidents perfectly from memory, you might not be one of those people, so Google it if you have to. Now's also a good time to take out any rogue skewers you might have. Also, make sure you have a big enough tray to display them on, cause, uh, we didn't.

RushmoreOrg.jpg

Step 10: Finishing Touches

Now that everything is baked and displayed, go ahead and add little extras. We put jalapeƱo glasses on Teddy Roosevelt (using staples), because the real Teddy Roosevelt had glasses made out of jalapeƱos right? Get creative. Get weird. This whole project is already weird.

Congratulations, soldier. You've done it. With an achievement like this, don't be surprised to see your children's children sculpting your monument out of bacon.

Happy President's Day.