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Here's How To Play Real-Life Mario Kart

By: Grant Marek

Step 1: Find a track that a) will provide you with adequate velocity, and b) isn't a straight line. Example: San Francisco's Lombard St, the "crookedest street in the world."

Step 2: Buy four plastic cars from Little Tikes -- this will basically be the only expense.

Step 3: Build all four cars but leave off the dumb roof so an adult can fit in it.

Step 4: Go to your fridge and grab a) some mushrooms, b) some bananas, c) some balloons and duct tape (WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KEEP THEM THERE???), and d) some beer.

Step 5: Drink some of the beer!

Step 6: Put on the Mario costumes you keep in the trunk of your Geo Metro.

Step 7: Duct tape four balloons to each car. Nice, now equip all four of you Mario Kart drivers with mushrooms and bananas.

Step 8: FRIGGIN' RACE.

Race rules are as follows:

- Racers can choose to eat all of their mushrooms at any time and the race official -- let's call him LAKITU -- will run onto the track and give you a huge push.

- Racers can also choose to throw their banana peels at any time -- if at any time you run over a banana peel you need to Mario Kart crash (honor system here fellas).

- If a racer goes off the track fully, they're required to wait until LAKITU can retrieve their car before they can continue racing.

- First one to pass the agreed upon finish line WINS.

- BOOMSLAM.

IT'S A ME, A'MARIOOOOOOOO.

Posted by Chubbies on Thursday, January 28, 2016