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Illustration by Andy Andersen - Chubbies Friday At Five Illustration by Andy Andersen

We Believe in the Red, White, and Blue

By: Grant Marek

We believe in America like we believe in a bar that lets you throw peanut shells on the floor.

We believe in spangled things, in being back-to-back World War champs, in Nerf guns, in Super Soaker 150s, in Super Soaker 250s, in laser tag, in rodeo clowns, in monster truck rallys, in demolition derbys, in rope swings, and in slip 'n slides.


We believe in America like we believe in Abraham Lincoln's neck beard.

We believe in BBQs, in bacon, in bourbon, and in beer. In Slim Jims, in apple pie, in hoagies, heroes, and grinders.


We believe in enjoying ourselves a nice spritzer or three.

We believe in Buzz Aldrin, Buzz Lightyear, and Buzz from Home Alone. In Ron Burgundy, Ron Swanson, Ronda Rousey, and in anyone named Bruce (Springsteen, Lee, Wayne, Willis) or Bill (Murray, Hoyle, Madison, Nye the Science Guy, Paxton, Jean King).


We believe in Big League Chew.

We believe in Rambo, in Rocky, in Chuck Norris, in American Gladiators, in Clint Eastwood, in Chef Boyardee, in Muhammad Ali, in Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the G.I. Joes, in Guile (SONIC BOOOOOOOOM), in Indiana Jones, in Apollo Creed, in Axel Foley, in Michelle Obama's biceps, in Frank Sinatra, in Duke Nukem, in Tony the Tiger, in Kenny Powers, in Mr. T, in Michael Jordan, in Carrie Strug, in Jackie Robinson, in Coach Taylor, in Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, in Independence Day Will Smith, in Ninja Turtles, in Private Ryan, in Air Force One Harrison Ford, in Mega Man, in Taylor Swift, in Lassie, in Uncle Sam, in Uncle Phil, in Uncle Buck, in Bea Arthur, in Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson, in Rosa Parks, in Glory Denzel Washington, in The Rock, in Lieutenant Daaaaaaan, in Wonder Woman, in John McClane, and in John Wayne.


We believe in underdogs, corndogs, and dogs in pickup trucks. In Captain Crunch, Captain America, and Captain Planet and the Planeteers.


We believe in America like we believe in Top Gun high-fives.


We believe in the feeling you get when you first reach the Grand Canyon, or Yosemite, or Yellowstone.


We believe in the Miracle on Ice, in Angels in the Outfield, in the Mighty Ducks and the Flying V, in the Rancho Carne Toros, in the Dillon High Panthers, in Wild Thing, and in both the Williams sisters. In Wrigley Field, in Madison Square Garden, in the Rose Bowl, in Lambeau Field, and any and all leaps done inside of it.

We believe injorts, in overalls, in wrestling singlets, in tearaways, in fanny packs, in sweatshorts, in tank tops, in power tools, in bald eagles, in lightning bugs, in screen porches, in tea parties (Boston style, Jay), in purple mountain majesties, in maps on the back of the Declaration of Independence, in MLK, in FDR, in JFK, in Notorious RBG, in Notorious BIG, in John Philip Sousa, in Francis Scott Key, in Sergeant Slaughter, and in calling things world championships even though only American teams participate in them.

Happy Fourth of July, fellas.