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We're Pretty Sure This Is The World's Biggest Corndog

By: Billhelm Appletini

Ok, I've gotta be honest about this... even I didn't think we were going to pull this one off. I mean the science just wasn't there yet. NASA's top engineer has stated time and again: "a corndog of this magnitude is just not physically possible. We're talking about laws of physics that haven't even been quantified yet. The fact that someone with no technical experience in physics thinks that they could pull a corndog of this shear size off... well... it's just a slap in the face to all of us in the aerospace community."

The point is, it just technologically was impossible to make... until NOW. We made THE WORLDS BIGGEST CORNDOG and by golly-g-wiz was it the tastiest, jumping-high-five-inducing, the Boz at 4th & inches-electrifying, ketchup & mustard-drenching thing that this sub-amateur-AAA-reporter has ever tasted. And because we live in the Land o the Corn, and the Home o the Dog, I shall share our jumbo corndog secrets with the world, as the world only deserves.

I will warn you, however, the science behind this great technological advancement of our time is difficult, it will test the very fabric of your being, and you must adhere to the steps verrryyy carefully, for one corn of the dog too many and you could open a warp in our space time continuum that could end us all. No. Pressure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . alright LEZ DO THIS THANG.

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Your Super Secret Grocery List:

- 6ft Wooden Closet Rod x 1
- 30 QuartTurkey Fryer x 1
- Tank of Propane x 1
- Safety Goggles x however many people are going to be making the corndog with you!
- Safety Gloves x the same thing as safety goggles, safety first!
- Fire extinguisher x 1 or more because again, you can't be too careful with hot liquid magma aka frying oil
- 5 Gallon Plastic Bucket with Lid x 1
- Long Stem Thermometer x 1
- Ketchup and Mustard x like, a lot.
- Wooden Kitchen Spoon for Mixing and Applying x 1 because you don't ever want too many cooks in the kitchen
- Standard Kitchen Whisk x 1 but share the work because that batter gets real thick... I was sore for a week
- Aluminum Baking Sheets x 3
- Paper Towel Rolls x 2
- 8 ½in Bologna's x 4
- Gallon of Peanut Oil x 5

Recipe for the most bodacious corn blanket a hot dog has ever met, created by the one and only Shmartha Shtewart x 1 x quadruple the following recipe:

- 2 2/3 cup yellow cornmeal
- 1 1/3 cup AP flower, plus more for dredging
- 3 tablespoons sugar
- 2 teaspoons baking powder
- Salt and Pepper to taste
- 4 large eggs beaten
- 1 1/2cups whole milk

Your Super Secret Directions on How to Use Your Super Secret Grocery List:

  1. Don't try this alone! Invite some friends over, if you don't need them to help with the making of the corndog, you'll for sure need them to help ya finish the damn thing!
  2. Collect all of your ingredients and supplies in an open area where you can set up, prepare, and safely fire up a propane burner and turkey fryer.
  3. Begin staging your Corndog Cookout!
  4. Make your batter. Using the Shmartha Shtewart recipe found above, first combine your dry ingredients into your 5 Gallon bucket, then pour in your wet ingredients (milk and eggs). Using your whisk, combine all of the ingredients until they form into what will seem like a thick paste. A thicker batter will help it stick and stay once applied to the meat.
  5. Make your dredging station. Dredging, an ancient art form, is the principle of coating things in flour before dipping them into a liquid coating; this is important as the flour helps the batter stick to the meat before entering the fryer. In a shallow baking dish, pour enough flour to completely cover the bottom of the pan. Set aside.
  6. Make your drying station. Lay down three shallow aluminum baking sheets in a long row, then lay down a few layers of paper towels along the sheets. This will serve as your drying station when needing to cool your meat, and dry excess oil before continuing to build your monstrous corndog.
  7. Prepare your meat. If you decide to go with the absolutely delicious bologna route as I did (I highly recommend it as bologna is just bigger, fancier, tastier hot dog meat) you will notice that whole bologna's have rounded ends. In order to make a consistent corndog shape, you'll want to cut off some of the ends of your meat in order for the meat to fit properly. Identify which bologna's will be your top and bottom, and which will be your middle. For the top and bottom pieces, only cut one end flat, and for the middle, cut both ends!
  8. IGNITE THE FIRE. But first, make sure that you have AT LEAST ONE FIRE EXTINGUISHER within reach of you and that you know how to use it.
  9. SAFETY FIRST? Good. Light it up! Set up your turkey fryer as it's instructions entail, connect with your tank of propane, and ignite the burner with a long stem match so you don't burn your hands/face off. Once ignited, make sure your burner is only running at Medium power, this will ensure that your oil heats safely and does not overheat through the cooking process.
  10. Heat your oil. After you have ignited your burner, place the frying pot on top of the cradle, then fill with peanut oil up to the pots Fill Line. DO NOT GO ABOVE THE FILL LINE ON THE FRYING POT - THE FILL LINE IS NOT A GUIDELINE, IT IS THERE TO PROTECT YOU AND THOSE AROUND YOU FROM HOT OIL. Clip your thermometer to the frying pot, and watch closely as it rises to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
  11. Mad scientist yourself. Oh yea, it's go time baby, you know what that means. Just like Dr. Frankenstein it's time to make this corndog ALIIIVVEEE. Slip those bodacious safety googles and gloves on and get ready to make the feast of all feasts.
  12. Skewer the meat. Now here comes the fun!! Beginning with your "bottom" piece of bologna, gently slide the meat down the top of your wooden skewer with the rounded end of your bologna pointed down. Slide it down until about 2 inches of the skewer are visible through the top of the meat.
  13. Give the meat the corn hug it deserves. Take your skewered bologna, DREDGE THAT ISH! Then, DIP THAT THANNGGGG in the batter and coat it completely to ensure maximum corn coverage. Now, DIP THAT THANG ONE MORE TIME into your 350-degree peanut oil. Fry until lightly golden brown on the outside (about 2-3 minutes). --- During this process, you will need to dip the meat slowly into the oil to avoid creating a negative reaction between the oil and the moisture in the meat and corn mixture that could cause a grease fire. DO NOT plunge the corn dog into the hot oil.
  14. Rest the corndog, it deserves it and has a long journey ahead. After the 2-3 minutes of frying has past and the corndog is beautifully golden brown, rest your corndog on your drying station for 10 minutes to allow the corn fleece to tighten up on the bologna person.
  15. Add. The. Next. Piece. O. M. G. Begin by gently pushing down at the top of your first bologna, you will want to lower the bologna so that about 6 inches of the skewer are exposed at the top. Again, be gently and go slow as to now crack the corn. But hey, at least it's better than cracking the cheese... right?! That's a saying. I swear.
  16. Using your first "middle" piece of bologna, repeat steps 12, 13, 14, and 15.
  17. Using your second "middle" piece of bologna, repeat steps 12, 13, 14, and 15.
  18. Using your final "top" piece of bologna, with the rounded end facing up, repeat steps 12, 13 and 14. Then, watching step 15 magically transform into a beautiful moment called step 19 where you...
  19. Smother. The Corndog. In Delicious Condiments. Maybe have a little dance with it. In absolute awe and wonderment of your amazingly heroic, unachievable scientific achievement which you just achieved, have a bite. You deserve it.
  20. SHARING IS CARING IT CAN BE FUN AND WILL ALSO SAVE YOU FROM THE WORLDS LARGEST TUMMY ACHE AFTER EATING THE WORLDS LARGEST CORNDOG!
  21. Enjoy.
  22. Pat self on back.
  23. Clean up so that mom doesn't get mad when she gets home.
  24. Worlds.
  25. Biggest.
  26. Corn.
  27. Dog.
  28. U
  29. S
  30. A

Your Pro Tips Bestowed Upon You By The Pros And By Pros I Mean Me Because I'm The Only Soul Alive To Have Completed This Great Feat:

- Use long stem matches when igniting the burner of your turkey fryer! Your eyebrows will thank you for the distance you've created between you and the infamous blue flame.

- Low and slow is the way to go. When heating oil, you never want to rush into things. Think about the last time that worked out, you know in 6th grade when you thought they wanted to dance, so you asked them to dance, but they were just tying their shoes and then everyone laughed at you.... I digress. Heating oil slowly gives you more control over a very volatile substance. #substance #volatileisascienceword

- File the wooden closet rod like a large wooden skewer so it's easier to mount the meat. Just don't pretend like this is Lord of the Flies. It's not a spear. It's a skewer. Corndog Responsibly.

- Wear closed toed shoes because any kind of oil really burns and it especially hurts the feet.

- Lighter on the batter goes better! When applying your thick batter, coat the meat more lightly so that the batter doesn't become too heavy and slide of before or after frying.

- Dredging is seriously key. By flouring the bologna before dipping it into the batter, you are creating essentially a layer of food glue that will make sure your batter not only stays during application but cooks onto the meat itself to hold once it is fried.

- Peanut Oil is like your really hawt friend, and when I mean hawt friend I mean: peanut oil has one of the highest burning temperatures of any oil, so it is often the safest to use when frying at high temperatures like 350-degrees.

- Use the plastic bucket to dispose of your leftover oil! You cannot just pour oil down the drain, place in your trash can, or empty anywhere else but your local resource recovery center (aka the dump). Contact your local recovery center, and they'll be happy to assist in the disposal of your household hazardous waste!

- Invite your friends, it's a lot of meat. I mean like 3ft, 38 pounds' worth of meat. Oh and corn

- Get some good bologna from a local butcher or deli, it's that much tastier. We used bologna for this because bologna really is a nice version of hot dog meat. The inventors of true bologna may come and find me for that and take me to an undisclosed location, but that's the choice I made when in the pursuit of THE WORLDS BIGGEST CORNDOG!

Your Proof That What I Say About My Pro Status in Extremely Large Corndog Making Is True and Not Like That Time I Told My Parents That I Got An A+ On My Advanced Biomolecular Physics Time A Billion 101 Class at MIT Even Though I Actually Got An A-:

Live Long and Corndog.

Billhelm, OUT.